what's another year?

there is something about being an actor that seems to keep people, well at least some of us, in a perpetual state of "growing up". you're not really a child any more, but you have to be able to play. if you lose your ability to play, i don't think you can be a very good actor. without playing, how do you take risks?

then again, maybe it's just me. me refusing to take on the responsibilities of being an adult.  it's not that i want to go back to high school--though kindergarten was pretty fun. it's more that i just don't see myself in that locked down world that being "an adult" seems to represent in my mind. i'm still moody and crazy and wear funny clothes, even when i'm trying to be "wise".

oh well. :)

clearer? Cynicism vs. Conan take 2

i felt the need to add to yesterday's post after reading comments and talking to friends. i think the general craziness i bring to the world has tainted somewhat my intentions in this reflection on Conan's words. i didn't intend for it to seem downtrodden. to clarify:

i was surprisingly touched catching up with that last show over my laptop and had one of those "damn, they's is talking to me" moments when Conan looked into the camera:  "Nobody in life gets exactly what they thought they were going to get. But if you work really hard and you’re kind, amazing things will happen."  

 and i felt myself rebel.  i'm a good person. i work hard and am nice to people.  and i wanted to say: i am not a cynic. which gave me pause.  that confusion is what led me to blog-it-out.

just how much of a cynic am i? how much of that latent struggle between happiness/depression/cynicism/naivete hold me back from achieving what i seek?  does even my own humor hold me back?

and yet, part of what i am, shaping the cartoon caricature of my soul, is that tug-of-war between skeptic and dreamer.  singer and weeper. story-teller and loner.

the chubby girl in the funny costume, saying "yeah? that's right. i'm a butterfly. deal."

and yet, Conan begs, don't be a cynic.  can i bypass the question by denying the struggle and faking peace till i am at peace?

would that solve anything at all?

clearer now? bees.

Cover me with your revelation 

Cover me with your sorrows tale 

Cover me with your holy water  

Cover me, dancing virginia