Friday, June 19, 2009

my psycho pharmacologist and i

i read a lot of "zen" books in grad school. i mean that's what you do in acting school. you zen. you balance mind, body, spirit- so you are left with a malleable blank slate. not a blob of nothingness, after all, you have your own history, but it only lightly colors a spring board for genius characterizations and truth and life and being. yada yada yada.

well if i ever came close to achieving such a thing, it seems very far away now. especially after this crazy week. i think with the right ingestables, i could indeed see the aura surrounding me. and it wouldn't be pretty.

too bad there's not a quick fix to balance your soul back out. a pill you could pop that would make the bad things fade away. in carrie fisher's new autobiography wishful drinking she talks about electroshock therapy and how it works by pressing the reset button. erasing whole chunks from her head. that may be going a bit far for me, but it is fascinating. i've heard her talk about how her answering machine says, "leave a message. tell me who you are and how we know each other." yeah, a bit extreme. she's turned the book into a one woman show that roundabout is producing next season. i can't wait!

in next to normal the mother is a bit of a mess, to put it lightly. she has electric shock therapy, which "helps" for a bit, but she can't live with the hole's in her head. (today's playlist is a couple of good songs from the show. alice ripley just won the tony for her performance.)

it seems like such a struggle to stay balanced sometimes. i remember thinking during school that actors spend so much time and energy preparing ourselves to be free- to be open to other influences so that you can respond instinctually. normal people con't do that. normal people just bottle things up and compartmentalize... i guess.

or i've just had a hard week and need to buck up, as my own crazy mother would say. i am a grownup after all.

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