Thursday, April 10, 2008

tongue tied and foolish

how is it that i go from normal -well, sort of :| - normal human being to tongue tied mute? clearly the question of the day. what is this, high school? the pathetic thing is, i know how i come off in these moments- stand off-ish, uninterested. when really, it is simply my own awkwardness.

but it was a beautiful day. and perfect for a run- though i didn't manage the full 12 miles. sigh.

thump thump thump- i'm not a very graceful runner. still, the first time out not dressed like an eskimo was nice. in another life, i'll be one of those perfectly matched joggers, stylishly taking on the hudson with a breezy smile.

spring was in the air. the sun, the flowers, the nannies with their babies. riverside park was overwhelmed with babies and toddlers as their nannies gossiped or chewed out their phones.

each time i lumber through the park i find myself imaging a traditional life. what would it be like to be one of those professional mothers, my children trotted out for sunshine? what if i used my time in africa to get a "real" job, a husband, a family? it makes me feel much younger than i am. that i am so far from where my contemporaries are. to be single in the city one has to be much more suave than i have in me. i'm too much a home body.

thump thump thump. american idol. a guilty pleasure. "idol gives back" to "africa" though africa was clearly only east africa- kenya, uganda, my own tanzania. there they were with the dala dalas! crying over the mud huts! where were they? not moshi, but dar? heartsick for a world away. but here i am in the apple. with people i admire. with my work. my friends. muted.

thump thump thump. it is easy to imagine conversations, actions- play them out in my head like a 2nd rate novel. but, truthfully, i play it too cool- masking my fiery emotions- i'm reserved when i should be pushy, smile when i should laugh. life shouldn't be saved for the stage. you should live it. right?

what will it take to break the pattern?

Siku ya kufa nyani miti yote huteleza ~ the day a monkey dies, all tree are slippery

No comments:

Post a Comment


Related Posts with Thumbnails