december first

i love xmas music. i like those cheesy stations that start playing the "holiday" tunes from the moment the turkey day leftovers have been put away.
i am a fantastic xmas present giver. i'll easily throw down the credit card and wrack up the debt for the perfect gift. indeed, i'll waste hours thinking of such things with the music blaring.

but i don't really like xmas.

well, that's not fair- i can deal with the 25th. it's december as a whole that really drags me down.
why? is it the cold? the dark? the memories, the oldest of which still burn bright in reflected snow? even happy ghosts of xmas past are dredged with regret and loss.

this is clearly not good for my psych eval-- what does it say that this, the season of cheer, will certainly leave me in tears. maybe not tonight, but i know the countdown, how long i can hold out before my reserve of good faith, happy thoughts will undoubtedly run dry. as if the timer started today and now waits patiently to collect. sentimental bullshit really. and yet, also truth.

i tried to out run winter today. just me, 3 layers of clothes, gloves, a hat, an ipod full of harry potter, and 13 miles to keep me company. but i can't run forever.


i know where crazy lives. i'm not back yet.